Warning: I wrote this article almost 6 months ago. For whatever reason, I decided not to post it, and frankly, forgot about it. But I found it sitting in my saved writings today, and got a kick out of it. So after a brief edit, here are my thoughts 2 days after changing my relationship status:
I got engaged two nights ago. I decided to write about it. Before I do, I feel the need to give two disclaimers.
A) I know this website is for work stuff, to show off my talents to get hired, theoretically. So I acknowledge that this blog post has nothing to do with that.
B) I also acknowledge making a list with an obscure number of points is very Buzzfeed circa 2015. It's a dumb gimmick, and I'll do my best to not do it again.
But as my fiance, Michelle, and I have decided, our mantra in the planning of our wedding is "Screw it! It's OUR wedding." (We're trying to fit in with millenials). And I'm taking that mantra and applying it to the writing of this blog post. It's hacky and self-serving, but, Screw it! It's my blog post.
So without any further ado...
The 14 things no one warns you about when you propose to the woman of your dreams:
1. You won't be able to sleep the nights leading up to the proposal. This isn't because you have doubts; it's because you want the moment to be everything she would want. Prepare to be sleep-deprived when you're popping the question.
2. You're gonna need to lie to the woman of your dreams a lot more than you're comfortable with leading up to the proposal. Honestly, I've forgotten all of the lies I told Michelle in the two months before I actually asked her to be wife just to keep the moment a surprise or throw her off the scent.
3. The trend of tighter fitting pants makes it harder to keep the ring in your pocket beforehand. You end up looking like you have a strange tumor sticking out the side of your hip.
4. It's nearly impossible to eat in the aftermath of the proposal. Your body will be pumping so much adrenaline, you won't have an appetite for food.
5. Don't try to have a speech prepared leading up to the question. Your brain will be moving too fast to have something rehearsed come out the way you want.
6. Make sure your fiancé has her fingernails recently done. Because, you know, pictures. Offer to do them yourself if you have to.
7. Be prepared to have at least a couple thoughts about your wedding. Even though she doesn't know you're going to propose, she's still going to have more thoughts about the wedding than you will, and I guarantee you'll start discussing it before the night is over.
8. If possible, propose on a soft surface. You'll be one knee longer than you think, and your joints aren't as young as they used to be.
9. Once she says yes, come up with a joint social media plan fairly quickly. As dumb as it sounds, you want the important people in your life to hear about the engagement directly from you before that one guy from the gym finds out from your status update.
10. Don't try to get too many pictures on engagement day. There's gonna be PLENTY of time for pics over the next few months. Try to just exist in the moment, even if your in-the-moment default is dumbfounded or speechless.
11. If you picked well (and I did), you have the kind of relationship with her where you'll have a couple "Holy crap, this is actually happening!" moments with each other, in between the calls to the parents and everything else. Those will be your biggest smiles of the night.
12. If you involve other people in the proposal, make sure they are people you want close to you going forward. If you end up with a rocky patch in your relationship, those are the people who will be able to say they were there, and will remind you they've witnessed that your fiancé makes you the happiest you've ever been.
13. Have plenty of mouthwash/breath mints available. You're probably going to kiss your fiancé a time or two, and you'll need to counteract the cottonmouth that may come with the nerves of proposing.
14. Breathe, man. Don't forget to breathe. She's already stolen your heart; make sure there's still oxygen going to your lungs.